Cage the beast
In the spirit of a work mental health event, I finally admitted to my colleagues that I have suffered all my life from anxiety and panic attacks1; which they seemed surprised by, being a relatively high-functioning and reliable kind of being2. I think, in reality, they would still struggle to understand that if I let my anxiety take over I'd spend the whole of the day curled up in a ball frantically apologising for everything from under a table. I've learnt not to let it free3.
15 Sept 2024
Notes:
1 I can't easily explain how hard this actually was, as last time I told anyone about it, they instantly used it to destroy me. It was entirely predicated on the hope that someone else there might take some comfort from it. We have to stick together.
2 I literally lost 10% of my degree mark because I had selective mutism and refused to give presentations (though through insane dedication I still managed 89% – I'd probably enjoy myself more if I had the time over). As a PhD student I once had an uncomfortable hour in front of a set of world experts as my supervisor forced me to give a talk on my PhD subject: we sat in silence all the way through it, only broken by her occasionally strangling the rage thrashing within her to ask me if I was going to say anything. How I ever managed to become a lecturer I'll never fully know, but suddenly not caring seems to have been a significant factor.
3 This probably isn't the solution, but I have little time for the solutions I've been offered: Lord knows, the drugs do work, but who wants to be on drugs for the rest of eternity; Cognitive Behavioural Therapy offers a way to get through the next breath, but little to solve the fundamental issue, which is not internal, but external. The problem with contextualising anxiety as a mental health issue is that it isn't a problem of the sufferer, but of society more generally: society just needs to be less threatening. The solution is just to shift the whole of the world to be kinder, which doesn't seem as impossible as we might imagine.